Unattainable
by Questioning Destiny
Summary: Pansy becomes drop dead gorgeous over the summer now she can have anyone she could possible want. But what caused the change and what happens when Pansy want someone she can never have?Hermione is depressed and tries to find outlets for her depression. Wh
1. warnings Xnot chapX

Warnings

_All characters belong to J.K. Rolwing, I do not claim to own anything of her works. I just borrow them, and make the story better. Esp. by making **this** paring which they definitely belong together. xp_

_This story contains some adult content, hopefully some femme slash and possibly a few swear words in the future. So if you have a problem with femme slash I suggest you go back and do not read this fic. If you insist in reading and then review my fic, and tell me how femme slash is immoral or other some such nonsense, you WILL be ignore and possibly sworn out. _

_Anyways... writing as always, _

_Questioning Destiny_


	2. Falling

Chap 1:

Ever since my parents got a divorced, I haven't been the same. To them I've been a possession, a thing, something to wave over the other's head. To my friends, I've been non-existent; I've pulled away from everyone. To myself I've become someone else entirely; I don't know who I am anymore. Yes, I still do my assignments with my old zeal, but I've also gotten _darker._

I'm seriously depressed all the time. I cut often, I even carry my knife with me too school, to my classes, and no one notices the scars running along the outsides of my forearms, even when I wear sleeveless shirts. I've slowly been changing, I figured someone would have noticed, but no, the rest of the "Golden Trio" is absolutely clueless unless I point something out to them.

Last summer I dyed all my clothes black, I never wear color anymore. Color reminds me of my "perfect family" that fell apart. I go out a lot during the summer, if only to avoid which ever parent I'm stuck with at the moment. They're both unbearable, constantly bitching about each other, it gets sickening.

I'm sick of the life I'm forced to live, I sick and tired of this person, I'm supposed to be. That's why I am at this party, trying to get drunk and getting pretty dam close to my goal.

I'm a bit tipsy, and my words are starting to slur. Everything feels so weird; it feels as if there's a thick blanket between me and the world, and everything is muffled because of it. It feels like every thing's good again, but I know its not. No, nothing will ever be back to normal, even if my parents decided to try again, it wouldn't work and they'd just destroy everything _again._

I throw back another shot of an unidentified liquid; I grit my teeth as it burns its way down my throat. I set the shot glass at the top of the pyramid of empty glasses, my hand surprisingly steady. I turn around and watch the writhing and blurry forms of dancers, on the dance floor. If I want to leave than I have to go through them, without hurling, preferably.

I turn back to my pyramid, waiting for the bartender to make his way back around. I stare numbly at the scars in the soft mahogany wood, my fingers tracing them lightly. I'm a lot like this counter, everyone looks at it like its nothing but a tool, and they expect it to be there whenever they **need** it, never noticing the scaring or damage.

My world starts tilting slowly; I try and grasp the edge of the counter to keep from falling off my stool. My fingers numbly wrap around the edge, as the spinning accelerated, uncontrollably. My comforting blanket is stripped away violently; all the noises and smells are back in a sudden sickening rush. My eyes close on their own accord, I feel my fingers loosen and I feel myself falling and I can't catch myself.


	3. Secrets

secrets

I've been watching quietly from the corner, as Hermione Granger told her problems to the bottom of her shot glasses. Even from here I could feel her muddled state, by just barely brushing her mind with mine, she wouldn't notice my invasions in her muddled state.

I slowly wind my way through the crowd coming closer and closer. I stand a few feet away at the very edge of the dance floor, watching as she knocks back a shot of clear liquor. When she turns around to watch the dancers on the dance floor, her eyes skim past, too glazed to see anything. It makes me hurt, knowing that she can't or won't tell anyone.

I'm not really shocked when I see Hermione falling from her chair, nor when I feel her weight in my arms, when I catch her, just barely keeping her head from connecting with the cold cement floor. I pick her up, holding her close to my body as I turn and make my way out of the club.

My arms feel like lead when I reach the Gryffindor portrait. I quietly let my mind drift over the Gryffindor in the common room; it didn't take much work to convince a half-asleep first year to open the portrait for me. I ignored the shocked looks as I entered the common room, carrying Hermione; I headed directly for the girls dormitories. I opened the door with a single kick of my boot, the door swung open and banged into the wall behind it. I walked into the dormitories and with one hand pulled the sheets back and gently set Hermione down on her bed.

I sighed and stretched my arms out then untied her shoe laces, pulled her shoes and socks off and set them down on the floor next to the bed. I drew the sheet up around her shoulders and then turned to leave the room but stopped short when I saw Ginny standing there before me, a concerned look on her face as she looked between me and Hermione.

Ginny stepped forward cautiously, watching me quietly. "What happened?" She asked.

"She passed out when she was in Hogsmead, so I brought her back."

Ginny nodded and sighed, "She's been through some interesting ordeals lately, and it's been hard on her. But she hasn't told anyone about it, she's trying to keep it all locked up inside and its going to kill her." I nodded silently agreeing, she looked me over contemplated she silently before saying, I assume you don't want her to know it was you that brought her back?"

I nodded again and looked back over my shoulder quietly watching Hermione sleep peacefully. I turn and leave the girls dormitories and head back to the common room. I walk through the common room, my head up and a daring go-ahead-and-try-it look on my face. I stalk towards the portrait, but stop right before it and turned back before I left completely; I closed my eyes and erased the memories of my presence from everyone in the common room. I smirked and closed the portrait behind me as I left the Gryffindor hall headed to my own dorms.


	4. memories

I covertly watch the doorway from my table, while ignoring Draco rambling on about some _important_ story of his. Waiting for her to show up and eventually she **would** make an appearance, I would just have to wait until then.

I sigh and look down at my goblet, I whirled the water in my cup like a mini vortex, when a chilling memory sprang forward from the locked vault in my mind.

_(Flashback) _

_A warm sensual tingling sensation spread from her lips raising my body heat to an unbearable degree. It felt so good, there was no way I could feel afraid. _

But what happened next changed my views on fear entirely.

_Her skin felt so smooth and so absolutely perfect against mine._

_Then everything was gone in a flash, everything felt icy and sharp. My neck throbbed with pain. I felt as if I was falling, that numbness before you hit the ground. I felt drained and tired, my eyes slipped closed on their own. My breathing grew irregular and sporadic, the time between each desperate breath stretched unbearably, it felt like my lungs were being stabbed with daggers of ice. Till I let out one last breath and went limp. _

I remember none of what happened next till morning and then it was already too late….

(_End flashback_)

I snapped out of my daze when my goblet was knocked over. I watched numbly as the water ran across the table and drenched some first year's robes. I looked up from the mess and found Hermione already seated at her table. The sight of Hermione was oddly comforting; I shook my head, _What am I thinking? She's a girl of Christ's sake. Even if she somehow feels the same, there's no way a relationship could work between us. There's too much against us already to even be friends!_

A/n Sorry its so short guys, but I just wanted to get this posted so you all could read it. I'd like to say thanks to those of you who have read and reviewed my fic, Thank you.

Special thanks to Believe the Lie, it means a lot to me to know that you enjoy my fics and are following '_Unattainable' _it means more to me than you could possibly believe.


	5. headaches and questions

2

headaches and questions

When I wake it feels like my head is going to roll right off my shoulders.

But lucky I already had the solution to my hang over. I reached under my mattress and pulled out the vial of potion. I popped the cork and swallowed a mouthful of the purple goo it felt like cool water poured over my shoulders and down my back. I jammed the cork back on and placed vial back under my mattress.

I carefully get to my feet and head towards the bathroom. I pull off my clothes from last night and slip into the shower letting the hot water wash away the rest of my hang over. I slick back my hair as the water runs down my back.

I'm slowly starting to remember everything from the night before. I remember the long cold walk to the pub, the tang of smoke hanging in the air, the acrid taste of alcohol as it slipped down my throat, the comforting feeling as my problems slipped away momentarily, then of darkness, and of a warm body near mine a spicy smell invading all my senses. But I can't remember who it was that brought me back to my own dorms, or who held me.

Who could have possibly have carried me all the back to Hogwarts?

XxX

Once I'm fully dressed and most of my hang over is gone I head towards the main hall. I slip down the stairs silently, and enter the main hall. No one looks up or even notices me as I enter, I stair down at the floor as I follow the memorized path that I'd traced over the years. I slip into my spot between Ginny and Ron, and find a goblet of orange juice. I take a sip as my eyes rove over the tables, they slow as a figure at the Slytherin table grasps my attention.

Pansy Parkinson stared, transfixed, at something on her table a frown creased her features as Draco seemed to ramble on into her ear. _She looks so beautiful. _I quickly glance away, before she noticed I was watching her. W_hy do I have to feel this way about her? She's a Slytherin and a girl for Christ's sake!_

I put my goblet back on the table and quietly brush my nail over my left arm; I bite back the hiss of pain, over the recent cut, running vertically towards my elbow. For a second or two I forgot everything but the pain, until someone placed their chilled hand on my arm just above the elbow.

"You've got to stop doing that," Ginny said quietly to me.

I nod and say, "I know…. But I just can't." I look down at my clasped hands.

"You know, if you need someone to talk to, I'm always open." She said quietly before going back to her breakfast.

I'm suddenly not hungry anymore; I get up and head towards the main doors to the grounds. I snatch a quick look at the clock as I pass; good_ I have a half hour before my first class._ I cross the grounds quickly heading towards the lake front, to my favorite thinking spot.

I stop by the trees where the leaves a gold and red, drifting softly to the ground. The breeze is soft and warm, coming towards me from across the lake. I sit down at the trunk of the tree, near a large boulder, between the roots that grew about the ground. I settle comfortably between two roots, into the soft hollow in the ground.

I watch the lake and the rest of the ground, my eyes unfocused, watching everything. I don't turn around when I hear footsteps headed my way and coming closer, I don't look up until the figure is standing before me. Who should stand before me but the one who haunts my thoughts every second of the day, Pansy Parkinson, Queen of Slytherin.

XxX

Sorry I haven't updated in a while, been kind of busy…. And I just kind of noticed how short my chaps are so I'm going to be trying to stretch them out a bit more….hopefully.


	6. meetings and said battles

2

meetings and silent pleasures

I'm not quite sure what exactly caught my attention, but I noticed Hermione leaving her seat between Ginny and Ron, an unusual look on her face. She made a B-line for the doors, slipped outside and closed the door behind her. I look down at my bare plate, at a sudden loss of appetite. I look over at Draco, he's still rambling on about something his father just bought him to his buddies, w_hy doesn't he stuff a sock in it already?_

I quietly slip away from the table and discreetly head for the doors to outside. Once I'm outside I head towards the lake, it's a favorite thinking spot for most of us, who like to think in peace. I cross the grounds quickly and reach the edge of the lake in a couple of minutes.

I scanned the edge of the lake looking for any sign of Hermione; I wouldn't have known she was there if it wasn't for a small bit of black splayed across one of the roots. I slowly walked over to her, as I came closer I noticed a small tear drop running down her face as she stared at the water front.

She looked up when I was nearly standing directly in front of her. She blinked once and then frowned when she recognized who exactly was standing before her.

"Hey," I said, watching the lake front, my back to the tree trunk. I could see from the corner of my eyes that Hermione was staring at me like I'd grown three heads. There were several moments of silence as Hermione watched me watch the lake. We stayed like that for sometime before she asked, "What are you doing here, Pansy?"

I eyed her for a second and smirked at her, "_What?_ I came here to think in peace and you just happened to be here too." She eyed me suspiciously, "You don't believe me do you?" I asked, "You know it is possible for a Slytherin to tell the truth."

Hermione looked down, guiltily, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way…" she said, her voice trailing off at the end.

Suddenly she was rising from her position, standing she turned to go back inside. I thin I was more surprised than she was when I found my hand wrapped around her wrist keeping her from leaving, "Please, don't go. Your presence is…. comforting." She looked down at me in shock before sinking back to the ground in her spot next to me.

We pulled our hands away like we'd been electrocuted. Then turned and watched the lake front, _I can't believe how good it felts to have her hand in mine. _

I lay on my back to watch the clouds pass over head, through the bare branches of the tree over head. I was surprised when Hermione laid down beside me, our shoulders and legs touching, we didn't move except to breath, my limbs tingled as they touched her.

"Why are you being so nice to me?" she demanded.

"Because, contrary to popular belief, I'm not always a bitch," I answered, "and because I like you." _Love you even. _"You got spunk, and you're smart and not afraid to show it. But also because you need someone to stand by you and support you when it feels like things are going to fall apart."

"People like that are called friends, and unlike you I have them." She snapped.

I snorted, "You mean Potty and Weasel? Don't you ever get tired of them always asking to copy your homework? Don't you get mad when the only time they talk to you is when they want to copy your notes?" I said levelly, my voice close to being icy. She was silent then, and subtly moved away from me, "I don't _mean_ to be a jerk. But you've got to admit that, that's the way things seem don't they?"

"I don't have to admit anything." She snarled.

"Fine then, don't say it, ever. Keep it locked up inside where it won't hurt anyone but you." I said quietly as I got up and left. I didn't turn back to see her reaction.

I was halfway across the grounds when the warning bell for class rang. _Crap I'm going to be late for class, good thing its potions first. _


End file.
